Heavy heart

I feel like I'm sinking. Came across old pictures of me, Yoko, Jim, and Johann on Kauai. Wondered to myself, what do I keep doing that pushes entire groups of people away from me.

People seem to wanna stay, farther and farther
Destruction is surfing in my wake, following mother
I can not pretend no more, no no no
I can not pretend, Father oh Father
Oh I'll drive everyone away, like a fucking tornado.

Looking at my Father so much this week I see his sadness deep seeded in his core.

Papa, I see a weapon of tears inside of you.

I think it's amazing how you can physically feel sadness. It hurts.

I'm terrified to go home. My heart is delicate and wincing at the thought.

I'm not allowed to say I can't handle this. Just a personal standard.

But I'll sit here crying.

I have no idea what I'm going home to. I loved my father with my step mother. I loved having a family.

Maybe it's false security. Who gives a fuck.

And if everything goes...I will be there for them.