It's been a while, and the time that has passed since I've been here. Timing is always funny when his heavy hand indicates you turn around, look behind you, tricking you into seeing your future as your past. Like a cruel game of pin the tail on the donkey, and you're the ass for it all.
And what an ass I've been.
Nothing seems to move me out of these depths. Everything I look at suddenly expands into the vastness of time, matter, illusion, to the point where I'm sick of trying, tried of watching myself move aimlessly in and out of cycles. Breathing, suffocating, ascending and sinking at the same time.
I'm ashamed to secretly admit how much I think about opting out. I've been attempting "solitary refinement," only to find myself falling short of an answer as to why I'm trying. Or what I'm working towards. Spoiling myself by rewriting the life equation so I'm not a part of it, effectively punishing myself at the same time. Talk about multi-tasking.
All I want is quiet. And my energy back. Everything I've given away in avoidance of myself. Except I don't know where to start, and every trail leads uphill. The light is beautiful, but my eyes are closed, knees bent, black wings dragging at my feet. No wonder this world is a maze.
My mind feels like a diamond buried miles below the ocean.
For now, the rest of it is drowning.
And I'll keep pushing deeper into the valley, hunting my shadow on the mountain ridges.
After all, that's why I've been spun around, right?
I find myself so terrified of loving.
What is this thing called "real?"
Everything strings together, yarn on monkey bars, moments eclipse reality.
Dreams questioning my reasons to wake.
I am the shadow in the corner of the playground,
floating in the endless vat of time.
